No Bad Kids

It's just too hard for me to be good all day. I'll end up exceeding the speed limit or running a yellow light on the way to work. I'll make other bad choices as well, such as leaving my healthy lunch from home and running out to Jack in the Box for a Jumbo Jack burger with curly fries and a Coke. The quarterly report to my supervisor will inevitably be late. So, if I have made some major mistakes in my behavior today, does that make me bad? I hope most reasonable people would say no, that I am generally a "good kid" who follows the rules and completes my tasks in a timely and professional manner. More importantly however, despite all my shortcomings, I am able to look at myself in a positive way, as a competent individual worthy of attention and respect . . . even of love.

With children, we often address behavior as an all or nothing proposition . . . you've either been good or you've been bad. For example, at the start of the day we may direct children to "Be good" and, at the end of the day ask them "Have you been good today?" Given the demands of a preschool environment, coupled with children's still emerging social and emotional skills, odds are that they haven't really been "good" in the way we hope or envision it. Care givers often make the mistake that young children can be circumspect about their behavior and able to assess whether they have been good or bad. Even if children were able to objectively evaluate their own actions, being able to "own-up" to inappropriate behavior may prove difficult even for the most responsible and mature adult. It is in our nature to try to protect the concept we have of ourselves as good and decent individuals by denying or deflecting the less than perfect aspects of our behavior (see my post, Biting VI, about Ego Defenses). When our focus with children is on "being good", we run the danger that they may have a difficult time separating particular inappropriate behavior with their overall feeling or concept of themselves. Particularly for children whose behavior receives frequent intervention by providers, they may develop a negative impression of themselves. This may also be reflected by other children in the learning environment when they use statements, such as; "He's bad".

To avoid this good versus bad dilemma, I focus instead on specific behavior. If the behavior problem is aggression, my interaction with children might address their use of safe hands. If the problem is oppositional behavior, I might focus on specific cooperative behaviors, such as children's inability to participate during a circle activity or to put materials away when asked. Label the specific misbehavior and address problems in a heirarchy of importance . . . the most critical first. For less critical problems, give yourself permission to allow children errors in judgement or behavior. Like other developmental skills, it may take some time to get behavior correct and constant intervention tends to become unpleasant and stressful for both children and providers alike. Finally, focus on all the appropriate things children do each and every day, it builds competence, confidence and self-esteem.