Preschool Wisdom

The Toddler's Creed

If I like it, it's mine.

If I want it, it's mine.

If it's in my hand, it's mine.

If I think it's mine, it's mine.

If it looks like mine, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I give it to you and want it later, it's mine.

If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.

Biting Hurts VIII
Attending To Behavior

Paying attention to appropriate behavior is an effective strategy to teach social skills and address particular behavior problems. Simply stated, catch children "being good". However, it's not enough just to provide praise, such as "good job" or "awesome", it is also important to detail or label the behavior in which the child is engaged. For example, in biting behavior, recognize any moment in time (teachable moment) when a child physically interacts with another child in an appropriate way (particularly in stressful situations or under conditions that have been recognized to trigger biting behavior) and reinforce the behavior using labeled praise such as, "I like the way you are playing safely with your friend. Good Job!" For climbing behavior, the labeled praise might go something like, "I like the way you are keeping your feet on the floor. Way to go!" During cooperative play, such as when two children are working on a puzzle together, the caregiver might state, "I like the way you are sharing your toy with your friend! Awesome".

Being more aware of our behavior also helps us to be more in control over our behavior. For many of our toddlers and two's, behavior is the result of impulsive or unconcious processes. Before children can make good decisions or choices regarding their actions, they must first experience a greater awareness or realization of their immediate behavior. Labeled praise serves the purpose of helping call childrens' attention to their behavior.

Labeled praise also sends a message that caregivers find particular behaviors more important or "praiseworthy" than others and that they will seek out children who engage in these behaviors to provide them with attention. The need for attention is a powerful motivator that shapes childrens' behavior. If caregivers' consistantly attend to appropriate behavior and minimize the amount of attention they provide in response to inappropriate behavior, children will modify their behavior accordingly. More on this later.

Biting Hurts VII
Start Statements

Since toddlers and two's are learning the rules regarding appropriate behavior, I keep verbal instruction short, simple and non-confrontational. First, avoid the "no", "stop" and "don't" words or variations on the theme, such as "quit it" and "uh, uh, uh". Think of what it is that you want the child to do, not what you want the child to stop doing. Then, state it in simple, positive and universal terms. In the case of biting, the statement might be "We play safely with our friends" or "We use our teeth to chew food" (I'm not concerned whether the child might be aware of any implied meaning, such as, "We don't chew our friends!"). In response to climbing behavior, we might state "Our feet stay on the floor" or, in the case of hitting or pushing, it might be "We use our safe hands with Joe". Because we are so often used to responding to child's behavior in negative terms, it will take time and practice to be able to quickly identify the desired behavior and state it in a calm and precise manner. Ultimately, what we are really accomplishing with these young children is social skills instruction through the review, reiteration and reflection of rules which govern social behavior.

Now, whether these young children will heed our attempts to enlighten them to the social graces is an entirely other matter. In particular, toddlers and two's are often resistant, if not seemingly immune, to any social skills instruction. However, don't let their reticence deter you, start early in developing social skills as it will pay divideds as children mature. Attending to or, more simply put, paying attention to children when they are acting appropriately, is the most effective way to address particular behavior problems, as well teach social skills. More on this in my next post.

Biting VI
Stress Factors

What should be our immediate response when a child bites? Caregivers provide a range of responses (consequences) to biting behavior including: talking to the child; assisting the child in providing aid to the victim, such as holding a cool washcloth on the injured area; time-out or a combination of all-of-the-above. I let several factors dictate my response to providing consequences to biting or other behaviors including: intensity or, the degree or magnitude of the behavior; frequency or, how often the behavior occurs; and intuition, or that combination of thought and feeling that helps take into account the unique needs of the child and the circumstances in which the behavior occurs. For example, an intense or frequent behavior would generally dictate that the caregiver provide a significant consequence however, intuition may guide us to a different response.

Let me be up-front, I find that consequences that involve talking to children about their behavior to be over-rated and often counter-productive, particularly with toddlers or two year-olds who haven't developed the cognitive skills or the social or emotional maturity to process opinion or reach reasoned and rational decisions about their behavior. In addition, any interaction with children in response to inappropriate behavior will create stress and, generally, stressful conditions make communication more difficult. Tone of voice and outward demeanor can add to stress, particularly if caregivers act in a harsh or severe manner. Even when no implied physical threat exists, there still may be a perception of a psychological threat when our actions or behavior are challenged by others. In theory, unconcious processes called Ego Defenses or Ego Defense Mechanisms, whose purpose is to reduce anxiety, block unwanted or undesirable information from entering our conciousness. An example of one ego defense, denial, would be if a caregiver confronted a child about inappropriate behavior and the child claimed total innocence, became argumentative or, perhaps, pointed to another child on which to lay the blame. In this instance, the child sought to avoid the anxiety that would result from the conflict created by the inappropriate behavior versus the concept or belief of being an honorable and virtuous individual. Bottom line, it's "good kid" versus "bad kid"... and denial allows none of us to be the bad kid.

So, when responding to biting behavior what can you say, if anything? And, what are appropriate consequences for biting behavior? More in my next post.

Biting V
Transitions and Teachable Moments

We know that transitions are difficult for young children and that changes in schedule or routine create stress that may lead to behaviors such as biting. Schedule and routine create continuity and order in the lives of young children, enhancing their overall feelings of safety and security. Children who feel safe and secure in their environment will be happier, more compliant and less prone to act-out inappropriately in stressful situations. However, disruptions to routine and transitions from one activity to another occur daily no matter how organized or prepared caregivers may be. However, when these disruptions occur, recognize that particular attention is needed to re-establish normal order and routine. In scientific terms, its called homeostasis, or "a relatively stable state of equilibrium or a tendency toward such a state between different but interdependent elements or groups of elements of an organism, population or group".

When speaking recently with the parent's of a child who bites, we were able to identify that the child had a particularly difficult day when arriving late to the childcare program following a doctor's appointment. While the appointment disrupted the child's schedule and led to difficulty transitioning to the childcare environment, it also highlighted health issues as another source of stress for the child. It is difficult for any of us to be on our best behavior when we're not feeling well. Young children often suffer from colds, respiratory problems and stomach ailments, not to mention a whole host of other childhood illnesses. Ear infections are common in children and can be a chronic source of discomfort. Teeth are coming in. Its no wonder that young children may behave inappropriately given the all the stress they're under!

Teachable moments are unplanned and spontaneous occurences in which a caregiver recognizes special opportunities to teach or reinforce skills or behavior. These opportunities present themselves numerous times each day to the astute caregiver who is intent on supporting children's learning. For a child who bites, caregivers should look for opportunities where the child is engaged in appropriate social behavior and call their attention to it, such as when the child is cooperating with peers through sharing, taking turns or other helping behaviors. Moreover, it is critical for the caregiver to acknowledge when a child physically interacts with other children appropriately, such as recognizing their use of safe, soft or gentle hands. In addition, caregivers should also look for opportunities to help children improve their emotional skills by increasing awareness of the feelings they experience in relation to a particular situation or event. Children experience intense feelings but may not be aware that their immediate emotion is anger or frustration or sadness or one of the other innumerable feelings that make up the human experience. Recognition or awareness of an emotional state is essential in order for children to be able to make decisions about how to express those feelings appropriately. Since emotional self-awareness is rudimentary among our toddlers and two's, making good decisions about how to express strong feelings appropriately is extremely difficult and will almost always require a caregiver to provide assistance and support.

Biting IV
Temperament

Stress factors, such as the arrival, or the pending arrival of a new baby in the family can contribute greatly to children's anxiety levels. Stress is a normal and natural part of daily life and often contributes to optimal performance or, what we may refer as "working best when under pressure". However, when stress becomes too overwhelming it impacts negatively on performance and may trigger inappropriate behavior.

Young children can have an extremely low tolerance to stress due to their limited social and emotional skills. However, there exists another factor that influences how children respond to stress, as well as how they engage and interact with the world around them. This factor, temperament, represents an particular emotional response that children express through characteristic or habitual behavior. These peculiar behaviors we might describe in terms of a child being generally "laid-back", "easy-going", "sensitive", "impatient" or "short-tempered". Our experience with children and observation of their emotional responses over time provide insight into temperament and how we might expect children to behave under certain conditions. In addition, experience and knowledge of children's temperament will support our efforts and intuition on how best to address problem behavior.

Developing social and emotional skills help children manage habitual behavior. For example, teaching a two year-old the process of how to appropriately engage with a peer in cooperative play can help compensate for a natural tendency for shyness (under-engagement) or for frustration and anger (over-engagement). Helping and supporting toddler's and two's in the acquistion of social and emotional skills will be the most important intervention in addressing biting and other behaviors. Toddler's and two's are not always open to direct instruction, so an indirect approach is often best. "Teachable moments" provide caregivers with numerous opportunities throughout the day to acknowledge and reinforce skills and behavior.

My next post will discuss environmental factors that affect stress, particularly the importance of schedule and routine in supporting children's behavior, as well as more about teachable moments.

Biting Hurts III
Triggers and Stress

How do we determine what triggers biting behavior? First of all, I never recommend that you ask young children, particularly toddlers or two year-olds, why they bite or engage in any other particular behavior. "Why did you bite?" is a rhetorical question in which we are just giving voice to our frustration regarding the child's behavior and our inability to adequately respond to it. We never will receive a satifactory answer. Even as an adult, I'm often not able to explain why I do some of the things I do. I just do them.

As you see, behavior can be unconcious and a function of habit or impulse. Even when behavior appears purposeful, that is, apparently concious and calculated, habit and impulse can continue to be a factor in children's behavior. While children may "choose" to engage in a particular behavior, unconcious processes may still play a significant role in initiating the behavior. Unusual as it sounds, it's as if I can't help myself from deciding to act this way.

In a way, you could consider that habit and impulse trigger behavior. However, its very difficult to address a phenomenon like impulsiveness. However, we can look at stress factors that create anxiety for young children and might lead to impulsive behavior. In my conversations with parents, I am always interested in what stress factors may be present in the home environment and whether children might be responding to stress through their biting or other behaviors while at childcare. In assessing stress, first determine that the child is sleeping well, eating appropriately and getting adequate exercise. These three "legs" create a strong foundation on which to build children's behavioral skills. Disruption or loss of sleep, poor diet and lack of exercise create significant amounts of stress for a developing child. Any efforts you make to affect a positive change in behavior will be handicapped if these three basic needs are not adequately met. Other stress factors that affect children and may be present in the home environment include; sickness or death in the family, frequent moves, mental health or substance abuse issues and loss of work or income, among others. In the case of the parents I had recently met with, none of these issues appeared to factor into the biting behavior. However, one issue did present itself and that was...a new baby on the way! And, wouldn't you know it, new babies in the family can rank pretty high on children's stress scales. More about new babies, stress and triggers in my next post.

Biting Hurts II
Communicating Feelings

For some odd reason, whenever I receive a referral regarding biting behavior, the image of Jaws comes to mind. No, not a Great White Shark but the 7 foot tall human nemesis in the James Bond movies; The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker. You know, the big guy with the metal teeth that could bite through just about anything and with a face only a mother could love. Perhaps, I conjure up his image because I feel that the typical toddler or two year-old who bites often gives me as much of a challenge as Jaws did with 007.

Two years-olds are full of themselves. They are so full of themselves that they have difficulty seeing beyond their own self-centered wants and needs, are full of energy, full of new skills and emerging competencies, as well as full of intense feelings that often overwhelm their still limited abilities. For example, if I am full of frustration due to a situation that occurs in my childcare environment and I haven't yet learned the expressive language skills with which to articulate those feelings or to communicate my wants or needs, I will rely on my limited repertoire of behavioral skills to express myself. Biting is about as basic a form of communication that you will find. As far as social skills, such as being able to follow guidelines that moderate interactions with others, such as sharing or taking turns or, emotional skills, such as being able regulate feelings or empathizing with others, two year-olds...well, I won't even go there.

Trying to discern what the child is communicating through biting behavior may not be clear, but providers need to explore what factors may be contributing to the behavior. These factors may be found both within the childcare environment, as well as outside of the childcare environment. Again, communication between providers and parents will help identify possible triggers to the child's biting and help determine a successful outcome to the behavior. More on triggers in my next post.

Biting Hurts
Sharing Information

I had the opportunity this morning to meet with the parents of a two year-old child who frequently bites while at childcare. For a variety of reasons, biting is one of the most challenging behaviors I get called about. Biting can be an emotionally charged issue which stirs strong emotions in adults. For the parents with whom I met, as with many parents of children who bite and the childcare providers who care for them, they are anxious to find a solution that will quickly remedy the problem. Often, they are experiencing feelings of frustration, guilt and embarassment associated with the child's behavior and their inability to affect positive change or to maintain a safe environment for the other children in their care. Biting often leaves visible marks on a child, which in turn, elicits strong feelings by the parents of the child who is victimized by a biter. Finding an angry-looking mouthed-shaped welt on your child's cheek will immediately envoke a viseral and instinctual response to do whatever it takes to protect your child. Don't be surprised if some parents demand that the biter be removed from childcare. Finally, biting can be a painful experience for a young child who depends on a safe and secure environment in which to growth and learn. Children may not only experience feelings of apprehension or fear regarding a child who bites, but may also generalize those feelings to the childcare environment and, ultimately, may lose trust in their caregivers to take care of their basic needs if they continue to experience repeated assaults.

Since biting behavior can be such an emotionally charged issue, communication is critical. For providers, this means being open and up-front with parents regarding the presence of this behavior in the classroom and to provide them with information regarding biting behavior. You can find information on the web to print-out and share with parents regarding biting, including www.preschooleducation.com and www.parent.ivillage.com. As with any behavior, parents and providers need to work together to effectively address biting, as well as to support one another in their efforts to address what, at times, can seem to be an intractable behavior. In additional posts, I will discuss biting and the challenges of working with two year-olds and explore a multi-faceted approach to addressing biting behavior.