Whoppers

In my last post, I discussed children being able to take responsibility for their behavior. While visiting a child care center recently, the teacher and I responded to an incident on the playground where two boys were playing together in the sand. To his credit, one boy was sitting calmly in the sandbox spitting out a generous amount of sand. The other, holding a small scoop in his hand, saw our approach and exclaimed "He made me put the sand in his mouth!" This, of course, wasn't true and I almost laughed out loud that the child might think we would accept such a preposterous explanation. However, it is not unusual for children to deflect blame for their inappropriate behavior, such as the child did with the sand. Perhaps the thinking may be something like, "I'll admit that I did it, but will give you any number of outlandish reasons that may justify my behavior". Other times, children will deny any complicity whatsoever in the behavior, even thought they know it was witnessed by others, including the care provider. They may use the classic divert and blame approach where they point to the nearest available child and indicate, "He did it". Or, like a bad horror movie, they may appear as if their evil twin briefly seized possession of their body and took control of their actions.

While these behaviors are not unusual, they can be a source of great irritation and worry for caregivers. Quite simply, the response to this behavior is to consider it lying. Although lying is not one of the seven deadly sins, it could be regarded as a good candidate for number eight given the importance we place on individuals being honest and truthful. Therefore, should a behavior that is not tolerated in older children, adolescents or adults be considered differently in young children? Should a propensity for telling untruths cause us concern that young children will grow up to be perpetual liars?

Young children are early in the process of learning moral behavior . . . understanding the difference between right and wrong across a variety of situations or social settings. While we endeavor to teach appropriate behavior to young children, morality is developed over time and through the assimilation of life experience. When young children "lie" it is usually without guile or deceit and typically in response to a natural impulse to avoid negative consequences. This lack of deception or understanding of the dynamics of telling lies is often demonstrated by telling "whoppers", such as the young child with the shovel who claimed that the other child made him put sand in his mouth. Young children are just not aware of how absurd their excuses may be. Instead of taking offense, correct the behavior by articulating appropriate limits and providing consequences if needed. This is one way we help assure that young children will develop strong moral character.

No Bad Kids

It's just too hard for me to be good all day. I'll end up exceeding the speed limit or running a yellow light on the way to work. I'll make other bad choices as well, such as leaving my healthy lunch from home and running out to Jack in the Box for a Jumbo Jack burger with curly fries and a Coke. The quarterly report to my supervisor will inevitably be late. So, if I have made some major mistakes in my behavior today, does that make me bad? I hope most reasonable people would say no, that I am generally a "good kid" who follows the rules and completes my tasks in a timely and professional manner. More importantly however, despite all my shortcomings, I am able to look at myself in a positive way, as a competent individual worthy of attention and respect . . . even of love.

With children, we often address behavior as an all or nothing proposition . . . you've either been good or you've been bad. For example, at the start of the day we may direct children to "Be good" and, at the end of the day ask them "Have you been good today?" Given the demands of a preschool environment, coupled with children's still emerging social and emotional skills, odds are that they haven't really been "good" in the way we hope or envision it. Care givers often make the mistake that young children can be circumspect about their behavior and able to assess whether they have been good or bad. Even if children were able to objectively evaluate their own actions, being able to "own-up" to inappropriate behavior may prove difficult even for the most responsible and mature adult. It is in our nature to try to protect the concept we have of ourselves as good and decent individuals by denying or deflecting the less than perfect aspects of our behavior (see my post, Biting VI, about Ego Defenses). When our focus with children is on "being good", we run the danger that they may have a difficult time separating particular inappropriate behavior with their overall feeling or concept of themselves. Particularly for children whose behavior receives frequent intervention by providers, they may develop a negative impression of themselves. This may also be reflected by other children in the learning environment when they use statements, such as; "He's bad".

To avoid this good versus bad dilemma, I focus instead on specific behavior. If the behavior problem is aggression, my interaction with children might address their use of safe hands. If the problem is oppositional behavior, I might focus on specific cooperative behaviors, such as children's inability to participate during a circle activity or to put materials away when asked. Label the specific misbehavior and address problems in a heirarchy of importance . . . the most critical first. For less critical problems, give yourself permission to allow children errors in judgement or behavior. Like other developmental skills, it may take some time to get behavior correct and constant intervention tends to become unpleasant and stressful for both children and providers alike. Finally, focus on all the appropriate things children do each and every day, it builds competence, confidence and self-esteem.